The Long Goodbye
Part 3 of 3
You may have already read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, but, if you haven’t, I urge you to do so soon. At the same time, get a copy of “Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade: The 5 Love Languages and the Alzheimer’s Journey” by Deborah Barr. Edward G. Shaw. (At the bottom of this post I’ll list several locations where you can order these as used books for a much-reduced price. My copies arrived quickly and were in almost new condition.)
I discovered this material while researching The Long Goodbye; the information in these two books makes a lot of sense. Guidance for both the caregiver and the individual who received the diagnosis of dementia will benefit from the books.
I realize that at the beginning of this website I pushed information about vascular dementia, but I’ve matured a whole lot in my understanding of dementia. Now I look for the similarities rather than the differences. My personal philosophy now is, “Dementia is dementia; the road to dementia varies.”
Gary Chapman’s book was published in 1992, and it is simply this: It is a concept that people express and receive love in different ways. When you understand the other person’s preferred way of receiving love and that person understands your way of receiving love, and you each show love in the other person’s way of receiving love, well, all I can say is bells ring, birds sing, and life is glorious.
Of course, those of us who are adulting know that simplicity is not always simple.
Here are the 5 love languages as they are presented in Chapman’s book.
Words of Affirmation: receiving words of appreciation, praise, and compliments.
Quality Time: spending quality time together, giving each other undivided attention.
Receiving Gifts: giving and receiving tangible objects that show thought and effort.
Acts of Service: showing love and care through helpful actions, such as cooking or running errands.
Physical Touch: expressing love and affection through physical contact, like hugs and kisses.
And now, I’ll show you how all of this relates to dementia.
Ed Shaw was the chair of radiation oncology at the Wake Forest School of Medicine. He applied the principles of the 5 love languages in couple’s therapy. Then he began to apply the principles as a caregiver for his wife who lived with Alzheimer’s disease for nine years.
I will give you two bullet points to help you understand what you should hold in your heart as you exist with dementia or care for a dementia patient:
· Every person has his or her own perspective about how to give or receive love.
· A person with dementia will gradually become unable to express love but will never lose the ability to receive love.
You owe it to yourself to watch this video. It is an interview with Ed Shaw
To locate books go to these sites and search using the book title.
Keeping Love Alive as Memory Fades:
Better World Books
World of Books
AbeBooks.com
Thriftbooks.com
The Five Love languages
Thriftbooks.com
eBay
Walmart
World of Books
And, as I’ve always tried to remember, the essence of the person you have always loved is still there.
I’m always thinking of you and sending you warm hugs. You are never alone; there are a lot of us, and we understand.
Love,
Lydia
Thankyou for saying something I always think, dementia is dementia, the how what where etc is tick boxes for doctors but for us it's dementia. My husbands road was multiple sclerosis from the age of 13, so it's easy to understand the how and what's, when you've had a disease from such a young age that essentially attacks the brain and causes brain damage, he's now 48 but we started noticing things probably 15-20 years ago but was fobbed off with brain fog( which we knew it wasn't). Strangely it finally being diagnosed came with a sigh of relief because we were thinking all sorts of things personality disorder, szitsophenia ( I know I've not spell that right) but anyway Thankyou.